Ich-AG
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Habe mich heute entlassen.
Aus dem Tagebuch einer Ich-AG.
16. Juni: Habe endlich die Firma gegründet. Auf die Ausschreibung für die Stelle kam nur eine Bewerbung. Meine. Das Bewerbungsgespräch verlief positiv. Ich entspreche genau meinen Vorstellungen. Trotzdem Vorsicht: Habe vier Wochen Probezeit vereinbart.
2. Juli: Erste Zwischenbilanz nach 14 Tagen: Es läuft. Zwar noch nicht so besonders, aber doch irgendwie. Aber es wird schon, da bin ich mir einig.
26. Juli: Das Geschäft brummt! Habe eigentlich eine Woche Urlaub beantragt. Kann ich aber einfach nicht genehmigen. Muß ich mir noch sensibel nahe bringen. Aber die Kunden gehen vor.
13. August: Muß dringend mit mir übers Geld reden. Kann ja nicht so sein, daß ich einerseits Gewinn mache (Einzelheiten erfährt man ja nicht als Angestellter), während andererseits mein Gehalt stagniert. Was wäre ich denn ohne mich?
17. August: Habe mich heute früh über mich aufgeregt. Mehr Gehalt – das kann wohl nicht wahr sein. Erst mal muß ich doch Kapital ansammeln, damit ich investieren kann. Aber das werde ich mir schon noch beibringen. Wahrscheinlich muß ich die Zügel ein bißchen anziehen. Sonst komme ich noch auf die Idee, einen Betriebsrat zu bilden.
21. August: Heute früh zwei Stunden Warnstreik. Wenn ich es anders nicht kapiere, dann ziehe ich eben einen knallharten Arbeitskampf durch. Keinen Urlaub, keine Gehaltserhöhung – nicht mit mir.
22. August: Warnstreik! Na warte. Da gibt’s eine gediegene Aussperrung.
23. August: Ha, jetzt habe ich’s mir gezeigt! Mit Aussperrung hatte ich nicht gerechnet. Aber die Firma kann sich keine Pause leisten. Deshalb brauche ich einen Streikbrecher. Am besten mich, ich kenne mich ja aus. Ich als Streikbrecher – da werde ich Augen machen.
26. August: Habe mit eigenen Ohren gehört, wie ich mich »Dummes Schwein« genannt habe. Habe es mir sofort gemeldet, denn den Chef zu beleidigen stört eindeutig den Betriebsfrieden.
27. August: Die Beleidigung hat Folgen – habe mir eine Abmahnung erteilt. Noch einmal, und ich bin entlassen.
17. September: Seit dem Streikbrecher-Einsatz und der Abmahnung ist Ruhe in der Firma – kein Gemecker mehr, keine Gehaltsforderungen. Man muß eben mal die Instrumente zeigen.
21. Oktober: Ich gehe an die Börse. Wenn schon Ich-AG, dann richtig. Spiele mit dem Gedanken, alle Aktien selbst zu kaufen, damit mir keiner reinquatschen kann.
3. November: Der Börsengang war ein voller Erfolg. Die Aktien gingen weg wie warme Semmeln. Bin allen anderen möglichen Käufern zuvorgekommen. Tja, clever muß man sein. Jetzt bin ich nicht nur Inhaber und Geschäftsführer, sondern auch Vorstandsvorsitzender. Und Vorsitzender des Aufsichtsrates.
14. Dezember: Irgendwie klemmt das Geschäft im Moment. Liegt es am Wetter? Oder an der Vorweihnachtszeit?
16. Dezember: Jetzt weiß ich, woran es liegt: Die Lohnnebenkosten sind zu hoch. Habe mir das unmißverständlich klargemacht. Ja, wenn ich ein Türke wäre oder ein Pole, da wär’s vielleicht billiger. Aber so – ich habe zu hohe Ansprüche.
3. Januar: Mußte mir eine Gewinnwarnung geben. Jetzt regt sich der Aktionär auf. Und der Aktienkurs fällt. Da werde ich wohl am Personal sparen müssen.
4. Januar: Kurzarbeit. Das fehlte noch. Andererseits – ich könnte mich nach einem Nebenjob umsehen. Vielleicht mache ich auch Schwarzarbeit bei mir.
7. Januar: Habe mich heute entlassen. Der Aktionär jubelt – der Kurs ist kurzzeitig nach oben geschnellt. Shareholder Value ist eine tolle Sache.
12. Januar: Habe viel Zeit. Werde noch eine Firma gründen, gehe damit auch an die Börse, kaufe mir gegenseitig die Anteile weg. Das erzeugt Nachfrage und jagt den Kurs hoch. Obwohl – vielleicht sind das verbotene Insidergeschäfte? Egal, Hauptsache es bringt Gewinn. Außerdem, wenn ich dicht halte, kommt es nie raus.
Tcha, so kanns gehen *g*.
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